


Evidence I Am Shippy Trash

by CharbroilLaFlamme



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: 1970s, Awkward Crush, Cute, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Mush, Headcanon, Height Differences, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Lists, M/M, Male Slash, Mild Language, No Sex, Romance, Shippy, Team Fortress 2 Headcanons, The Author Regrets Nothing, otp, sickeningly sweet shippy goodness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2019-04-08 12:13:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14105136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CharbroilLaFlamme/pseuds/CharbroilLaFlamme
Summary: The tol boyfriend and the smol boyfriend live life to the cutest.





	1. The Ship Sails

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so, I accidentally became trash for this pairing. This is a bunch of cute headcanon-y goodness I brewed up. I hope people enjoy!

  * Soldier loves his tiny boyfriend dearly:



“You call me tiny one more time, doll, I’m gonna boot you onto the couch tonight.”  
“Can’t do much with those little legs, bite-size.”  
“You’re grounded.”

  * The two celebrate the Fourth of July together with a big barbecue. Jane setting off fireworks in their yard:



“Jane, the roof is on fire again.”  
“On fire with **PATRIOTISM**!”  
“Right, right, Hun, the fire brigade has our phone numbers and knows us by _first name_.”

  * The Soldier brings home various woodland critters just because he can:



“Jane, why’s there a raccoon sleeping in the cupboard?”  
“He is not ‘a raccoon’ he is our child and his name is Jane Jr.”  
“... ‘kay, darlin’, whatever suits ya.”

  * The Soldier cannot cook and requires the Engineer’s assistance:



“Look, hun, there’s a reason _I’m_ the cook.”  
“But—“  
“You burnt a hole in my favourite potholder, you’re _banned_ from touching the stove.”

  * The Engineer likes to drag his tall boyfriend places like bookstores:



“ _De–ell_.”  
“Quit your bellyaching, Jane. Knowledge is power.”  
“ _Uuuuugh_.”  
—Likewise, the Soldier likes to take the Engineer out to car shows:  
“Oh my god, is that a _1970 Chevrolet Chevelle SS 454 LS-6_?”  
“Um... I guess.”

  * The two of them enjoy musicals, though the Soldier more so than the Engineer:



“ _... You can be my best friend_  
_I can be your right arm_  
_We'll go through a fight or two—_  
_No harm, no harm...”_  
“... Jane, you’re so goddamn perfect.”

  * Dancing can either be a messy business, or the sweetest thing ever:



“Jane, if you dip me one more time and I hit my head on the countertop again, I’ll kill ya.”  
“Relax, I only did it three times.”  
“A fourth time and I’m kicking you in the pants and leaving you to die.”

— When it’s sweet:  
“You act like a big ole moron, but you’re light on your feet, ain’tcha?”

  * When going out, sometimes neither of them knows where they’re going and Soldier is too stubborn to ask for help:



“ _Dadgummit_ , Jane, we’ve passed this corner about _five times_ now, you sure you know where we’re headed?”  
“I don’t need directions.”  
“I didn’t say that, but that’s some mighty specific denial, ya dummy.”

  * Cuddling. Just cuddling:



“Jane, you‘re my blanket now.”  
“Can I be the big spoon at least?”  
“Keep dreamin’, rocket-man.”

  * When out to eat, the Soldier is often far too indecisive:



“For the love of God and all that is holy, Jane, pick something.”  
“Hold on, I’m thinking.”  
“You’ve been thinking for half an hour, doll, **start choosing**.”

  * Dressing up for a special occasion is usually pushed by the Engineer, who enjoys his special someone looking dapper:



“Y’all oughtta dress up more, Janie, you got a pretty behind in them slacks.”  
“And you never told me?!”  
— However, the Engineer can sometimes be too overzealous in looking good for occasions:  
“Black jacket, Jane, not Navy. Where is your tie? Your hair is a mess and you haven’t shaved, Mister.”  
“It’s business casual, Dell.”  
“Don’t sass me, darl’. I am _not_ wearing a Hawaiian shirt and jeans to the work party.”

  * Arguments can be loud but are usually none too bad:



“I can deal with the raccoons, the drilling, the hourly exercises—but I if catch you goin’ through my workshop again you’re losing some fingers.”  
“But I needed a screwdriver.”  
“You heard me, Mister Doe, you ask before you touch anything in my workshop, buddy.”

  * Out of the two of them, the Soldier is the most likely to express PDA and smother his boy in adoration, much to the Engineer’s mortification:



“ _Everyone_ ,”  
“Hun, sit down, please—“  
“This is my significant other, he is small, he is smart, and he is the **best** cuddle buddy ever.”  
“ _Oh my god_ , you’re mighty sweet ‘n’ all but please get down off the table...”  
— The Engineer can sometimes show his own quiet brand of PDA. It makes the Soldier melt with how saccharine it is:  
“I would have preferred you made a bigger show...”  
“O’ course you would, hun. But until then, let’s just hold hands, right?”

  * Out of the two of them, the Engineer is the one who’s a stickler about cleanliness and cannot stand messes:



“Jane, we are doing spring cleaning this year and we’re doin’ it _right_.”  
“Okay, okay... can I wear the apron?”  
“If it’ll get you to mop the kitchen floor, then fine, go ahead.”

  * At work, it is usually all business but sometimes nicknames slip out:



“Yo, did you just call the Engie ‘sweetie’?”  
“Private, do _not_ put words in my mouth... but yes, I did.”  
— The Engineer is not exempt from misspeaking:  
“Aye, did you refer tae the Soldier as ‘charmer’?”  
“ _Shush_.”

  * Both of them enjoy gun shows but often get into squabbles about the better firearms:



“Jane, I hate to disagree with ya, but the obvious choice is the Remington Model 1100.”  
“Excuse me, _no sir_ , the Winchester Model 1200 is _clearly_ the better call.”  
“Boy, I’ll _fight_ you.”

  * The Engineer prides himself in being very traditional:



“So one question, Dell.”  
“Yes?”  
“Is the white picket fence _really_ necessary?”  
“ _Yes_.”

  * The Engineer tends to play mediator if his babe gets too worked up:



“Dell, I’m about _two seconds_ from ramming my boot up his ass.”  
“Shhh, doll, let’s go get a drink, okay, and we’ll smooth it over.”  
— But sometimes the Engineer just isn’t having it:  
“Look, I’mma be square with ya, bozo, you make one more smart remark and I’m gonna have ta get _mean_.”  
“... you go, hun.”

  * The Engineer is a blanket hog and the Soldier is a bed hog:



“You look so tired, Dell, what’s wrong?”  
“You kicked me out of bed five times so I slept in the truck.”  
“Oh.”  
“And I took all the blankets with me, too.”

  * The Engineer is the biggest workaholic out of both of them:



“Dell, come to bed, you’ve been at this all night.”  
“I know.”

  * Being sick, the Soldier is the biggest child:



“ _Deeeellll_ ,”  
“I’m making your soup, what’s wrong?”  
“Can you kiss me better?”  
“You just wanna get me sick, darl’.”  
“But sharing is caring.”  
— The Engineer is the opposite, being as active as ever but obviously suffering:  
“You’re shivering.”  
“I-I’m okay, _just fine_. I just have to fix the microwave and—“  
“ _Hell no_ , you are going to lie down and _I’ll_ fix the microwave.”  
“ **Over. My. Dead. Body**.”

  * During heavy thunderstorms, they tend to like sticking close to one another:



“That there last thunder-strike sent you flying into my arms, you scared?”  
“No, of course not.”  
“That’s a shame.”  
“Why?”  
“I’d love the excuse of keeping ya safe from the lightning.”

  * On days off, the two sometimes divide over their lazy day schedules:



“I don’t think that fixing the truck, painting the shed, and repairing the breakers is _lazy-day appropriate_.”  
“You unwind _your_ way, I unwind _my_ way.”

  * The Engineer is fond of playing music for the Soldier at times, whipping out the guitar just so he can properly serenade him:



“ _—Ooh, baby, when I see your face_  
_Mellow as the month of May_  
_Oh, darling, I can't stand it_  
_When you look at me that way, hey...!_ ”  
“I‘m so lucky.”


	2. The Shippening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More mushy sweet headcanons for the bois.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woaaah, more squishy sweet shippy grossness? Yes please!

  * Wearing his big man’s clothes is a must for the Engineer:



“Are you comfy?”  
“Traipsin’ around in your coat on a cold morning like this? You bet your ass.”  
— But the Soldier has a hard time fitting in his little man’s clothes:  
“Hun, I know it’s romantic and whatnot, but I don’t think you’ll fit it.”  
“Aww...”

  * Kissing is sometimes the most awkwardly mushy thing they can do:



“Now that work’s over, hows about a smooch for li’l ole me, yeah?”  
“ _Yes sir_ , but can you take the helmet off first?”  
“Only if you take off your helmet too, mister, I’m not clonking my head on it this time.”  
— Other times it can be just a mess:  
“Doll, could you maybe... crouch a little? Can’t reach ya, you giant.”  
“Who says I’m giant? Maybe you’re just teeny. How about I pick you up instead?”  
“I’d hate you if I didn’t love you.”

  * The two rarely, if ever, go out on dates due to the Soldier’s uncanny ability to attract attention and trouble:



“Jane, everyone’s looking.”  
“Let them look, I am expressing _love_.”  
“Yeah, but yer down on one knee and kissing each individual finger.”

  * Sometimes it’s just bros being bros with them, complete with swearing contests:



“Y’all kiss your momma with that mouth, Soldier?”  
“I kiss _yours_ , don’t I, Private?”  
“You _wanna_ go there?”

  * When the Engineer gets scared he gets angry, often times he gets scared for Soldier and angry when the Soldier is okay and didn’t tell him:



“I thought y’all _died_ or something, jackass!”  
“I’m okay, see?”  
“ _Now_ I know you’re okay, but in the moment I thought you got blown to kingdom come... don’t do that again, dummy, I don’t wanna lose you, okay?”

  * A sleepy Soldier would fall asleep anywhere, even on the Engineer’s lap:



“Doll, you’re drooling on my slacks, come on, let’s go to bed, right?”  
“ _Noooo_...”  
“Aw, shucks, am I gonna have to _carry_ you?”

  * On quiet nights together, the Engineer often initiates the loving snuggles, burying his face in the Soldier’s neck, just breathing in silence.


  * Out shopping, the two of them divide over what to get:



“I am not letting you have cereal for dinner, hun, _no dice_.”  
“Why do you hate me?”  
“Oh, you wanna start _that_?”

  * The Engineer is usually the second one awake but when he’s first, he makes coffee, does dishes, and makes them both breakfast for the morning.


  * Oddly enough, they can both lift each other easily:



“Oh. Huh. Wow.”  
“What? You don’t think I get muscles lifting tools _all day_?”  
“I mean, yeah, but no... don’t put me down, please?”

  * The Soldier is a sleep talker, often muttering the strangest things:



“Hm? What’d you say doll?”  
“... _The fish are rebelling, and they have swords and bicycles_...”  
“... Alright.”

  * The Soldier likes to fluster the Engineer at work sometimes, typically by hugging, kisses on the forehead, or good-natured ribbing:



“How’s my little hardhat darling doing today?”  
“ _Oh my lord_ , Jane, quit it.”  
“You love it.”  
“ _I do_ , but that’s beside the point.”  
— The Engineer likes returning the favour sometimes as revenge, using his charm to knock the Soldier down a peg:  
“Hello there, _Bossman_.”  
“What?”  
“Bring that dumb face down here, doll, so I can smooch ya.”  
“So you can... _what_?”  
“ _Kiss me, you big moron._ ”

  * In the early days of their relationship, the Soldier was easily the most eager to impress:



“Wow, uh, Jane, what’s all this about?”  
“I got flowers.”  
“ _The whole shop_ , you mean?”  
— The Engineer wasn’t without his own moments of trying to impress:  
“Did you... did you really clean _every single one_ of my guns?”  
“And polished your boots, and buffed scuffs out of your helmet, and folded your clothes neatly.”  
“... _Wow_.”

  * The Engineer won’t admit it, but he enjoys the way the Soldier smells sometimes, like Irish Spring, diesel, smoke, and gunpowder.



— The Soldier loves how the Engineer smells, as well, earthy, but also like grease and oil, and Old Spice deodorant, and leather.

  * The two of them are quite different in how they prefer their coffee:



“I can’t understand how you can drink your coffee straight black, Jane.”  
“I don’t get how _yours_ is more creamer than coffee, Dell.”

  * The Engineer begrudgingly asks the Soldier to get things from places he can’t reach at the store or at home:



“Jane.”  
“What?”  
“I need help.”

  * A lot of times the Engineer works himself to exhaustion, he honestly doesn’t know when to quit:



“So are we going to have to put a bed or a coffee pot in your workshop?”  
“Guess.”  
“... a bed...?”  
“ _Guess again._ ”

  * When the Engineer is upset, the Soldier takes it upon himself to try cheering him up:



“Hi.”  
“Hey, Soldier.”  
“I think you’re cute when you’re mad.”  
“Do ya now? Then you’ll find it adorable when I tell you to **get the hell out of my workshop.** ”  
— It is far easier to cheer the Soldier up:  
“Oh, Jane, I would so like it if we could lie down on the couch and nap next to each other like a couple’a lazy-asses.”  
“... You drive a hard bargain, Dell.”

  * Sometimes, they catch themselves thinking about each other idly, whether while at work or out doing their own thing. It reduces the Engineer to clumsiness and the Soldier to a big dumb, lovestruck teddy bear.


  * The kisses are almost always bristly, either that or they’re both shaved or both bristly. The Engineer shaves the most often, the Soldier doesn’t keep his face as up-kept:



“I _just_ shaved, no way you’re gettin’ near me with that unshaven mess.”  
“Why?”  
“There are some feelings that I am _not_ keen on, darlin’. Either shave or we kiss next week, ‘kay?”  
“ _Fiiiine_.”  
— On the other hand, the Engineer is smitten at times with the magnificent beard that the Soldier could grow.

  * Sometimes they have term-of-endearment battles, the Engineer usually wins with his typical southern sparkle:



“Sweetheart.”  
“Darlin’.”  
“Cutie.”  
“Sexy.”  
“ _Jerk_.”

  * When one or the other has a problem getting up, the awake one has the _God-given right_ to attack the other with their pillow.


  * They are both equally protective of the other, though the Engineer often easily has the shorter fuse if someone steps over the line. He‘d be a rampaging ball of whoop-ass if the Soldier didn’t restrain him.


  * The two of them mutually massage each other’s backs and shoulders after a long work day. The Engineer usually ends up falling asleep while the Soldier will melt and bury his face into the bed or couch they’re on.




	3. The Revenge of The Ship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More chokingly sweet fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this overdoing it? Yes. Do I regret it? No. :D Enjoy!

  * The one who first started crushing is likely the Soldier, who caught himself hanging around the Texan a little too much, like a lovesick puppy dog:



“Soldier, you’re, uh, hoverin’ again.”  
“Am I?... I didn’t notice.”  
— In fact, the two of them adjusted to crushing on each other differently, the Engineer preferred to avoid the Soldier at all costs, while the Soldier wanted to stick as close to him as possible, which made it difficult for the Engineer to ignore him.

  * The two of them, starting out, were awkward and quiet, the affections, though minimum, were earnest:



“I dunno, Doe, I don’t wanna be too... _obvious_ , yet, you know?”  
“We’ll work up to it, Conagher.”

  * The Engineer was very self conscious around others with the Soldier, still not quite settled with being in a relationship with another male, thanks to being raised in the deep south in the 60’s.


  * The Engineer loves the Soldier’s cluelessness, how the big palooka puts all of his affection into each little gesture like picking him up after battle in a massive, back-breaking hug.



— The Soldier finds the Engineer irresistible when he’s shy and quiet and closed, how he gets bashful at the slightest hint of affection.

  * The Soldier has a complete laughing fit when the Engineer gets on his tiptoes to try and kiss him, however, he finds it the cutest thing ever, as well:



"Boy, I’ll climb you like a damn vine if you don’t get down here. Quit laughin’.”  
“Yes sir, you’re the boss.”  
“Damn straight, Soldier boy.”

  * The two of them early on habitually referred to one another by last name before they were able to settle into first name basis.


  * There are a lot of things the two are passionate about that the other doesn’t understand, The Soldier doesn’t get the Engineer’s affinity with machines, and the Engineer doesn’t get why the Soldier likes to break things.


  * Neither of them like the cold, but the Engineer hates being cold, the Soldier shrugs it off:



“You ain’t human.”  
“You got me, I’m a polar bear.”  
“Don’t get wise with me.”

  * They were both the absolute worst at hiding their little relationship, the Soldier was the biggest offender:



“I think they’re onto us.”  
“Doe, I think it’s ‘cause you stare at me all the time, you loon.”

  * The chores are usually all the Engineer’s domain, save for a few things here and there, as he doesn’t trust the Soldier doing the housework. In his opinion, the Soldier does everything wrong:



“You don’t _stack_ dishes to dry.”  
“What? Why?”  
“It creates _suction_ , you dummy! The water can’t drain correctly!”  
“Oh.”

  * The Engineer fidgets a lot sitting on the Soldier’s lap, often quite bashful about it, he needs something to get his mind off his shyness.


  * Should the two of them choose to adopt, they’d both be polar opposites as parents, the Engineer would fret far too much and the Soldier would be the “fun” parent.



—They’d refer to one another as papa (Engineer) and pop (Soldier). But the Soldier would try to encourage their rugrat to call him "Sarge":

“Jane, no.”  
“Jane _yes_.”

  * The Engineer likes to tuck the Soldier in to bed if he’s still awake by the time the Soldier’s asleep, complete with a peck on the forehead:



“Just want you to be warm, doll, I love you.”

  * The two sometimes adopt mannerisms and speech-isms from each other without realising it. The Soldier finds it hilarious when the Engineer would blurt out “Private” instead of “Mister” without thinking.



— Alternatively, the Soldier sometimes uses “Y’all” in everyday speech. The Engineer teases him lightly and admits that it’s cute when he says it.

  * The Soldier cannot rifle spin, but the Engineer can. He likes to rub it in sometimes:



“Ain’t it funny how I can—“  
“ _No_.”  
“—How _I_ can spin rifles and _you_ can’t?”

  * Whenever they get to snowy venues, the Engineer can’t deal with it and the Soldier would be the one chucking snowballs at him:



“No, no, no, _no_.”  
“You scared of _snow_ , little guy?”  
“... Alright, fine, _game on_. You better hold on to your steel-toes Soldier, ‘cause I’mma _knock ‘em off_ when I get ya.”

  * The _real_ disciplinarian is the Engineer, the Soldier would sometimes find himself cowed into submission by the angry little southerner who had all but _mastered_ the art of tranquil fury:



“You do _not_ raise your voice at _me_ , Mister Doe. You may be the boss _outside_ , but you _ain’t_ outside, now, are ya?”

  * The two work out together, often doing partner work like spotting the other while bench pressing. Sometimes they even challenge each other to little contests like who can do more pushups or sit ups.


  * They both very much enjoy friendly competition between each other. Arm wrestling, shooting galleries, and more.



— They even challenge each other on who can be the biggest sweetheart.

  * The Soldier knows how to comfort the Engineer if he’s emotional, he likes to take him out to walk it off for a while, neither of them needs to speak.



— The Soldier is similar in that he likes silence, but he prefers to lie down and relax as opposed to getting up and moving around, the Engineer will tuck himself into the Soldier’s arms and lie there with him. Sometimes he alleviates the quiet by singing “You Are My Sunshine”.

  * The Soldier’s clumsiness leads sometimes to many a rip in his clothing, luckily the Engineer is an expert at sewing and can easily repair the Soldier’s clothes good as new.


  * They both adore tiny cute things like animals, the Soldier will often pick up said creature and smother them in love, especially if it’s the Engineer:



“If you drop me...”  
“I’ll just pick you up again.”

"... Fair trade."

  * The Soldier sometimes pokes at the Engineer when he’s feeling affectionate:



“You love me, don’t you?”  
“Gee, what gave you _that_ notion, doll?”

  * They will bandage each other after rough days out, the Soldier likes to use tiny bandages on the Engineer’s minor cuts.



— It can extend to them gently washing off dirt from the other’s face and carefully cleaning wounds.

  * The Engineer likes to run his fingers along the Soldier’s short hair when they sit together.


  * The Engineer and Soldier enjoy watching movies together but the Engineer usually ruins it by pointing out plot-holes, inconsistencies, and badly-done special effects:



“Hun, I don’t think that’s how blood works.”  
“It’s a movie.”  
“Yes, but you’d think they’d try a little harder to _not_ make it look dumb.”  
“Why are you like this?”

  * They both adore each others touch, no matter what, the Engineer can’t resist leaning into the Soldier’s hand. They both have rough working-man’s hands, and they love each other for it.


  * The Soldier does not like shots and it could go one of two ways, the Engineer holding his hand:



“C’mon ya big baby, it won’t hurt.”  
“Yeah, yeah...”  
— Or the Engineer would have to physically hold him.

  * The Engineer is easy to scare, and the Soldier loves to take advantage of it, but not without the Engineer getting mad about it:



“I’m not talkin’ to you, Jane.”  
“It was only a _joke_.”  
“Yeah? And this is _only_ a grounding, Jane, you’re lucky I’m not puttin’ you in a _corner_.”


End file.
